At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
