I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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