I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
