Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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