I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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