Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
