Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just blew my weed a kiss
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
