The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize