i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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