There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
that may or may not have been my penis.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
