Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
