If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
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