Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
