Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
