Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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