FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
