just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
