You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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