you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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