You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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