I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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