Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Text me some of your sweat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
