put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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