my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
