I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize