I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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