So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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