Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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