I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
