I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
