Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
