Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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