I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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