so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
