The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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