Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I need a beard to bite.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
