dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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