Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
