I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
