After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
