marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
