I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
