I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Still dying that you shit outside
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
