"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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