is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
