i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
well I can't set my house on fire every night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
