i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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