I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will die if light touches me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
