She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
organizing the empties. That sober.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
