You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
