I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
