I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
