He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
