fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
