I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
