I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
