just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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