Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
