I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
