Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
