I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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