Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
