I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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