You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
