my phone needs a breathalizer
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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