so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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