I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
